PRESIDENTIAL ADDRESS KENYA 2017

My dear citizens
I salute you from the seat of power, this is statehouse Nairobi.
A few hours ago owing the greater love and patriotism of our army generals I have been asked to serve in the office of President of the Republic of Kenya. You may as well know that in 2012 we overwhelmingly elected Mr. Odinga in the hope that he will undo mistakes of a Kibaki regime and reverse the vagaries that bedevil Kenyans because of Moi’s legacy. Moi’s name in anchored as an omni-present president who interfered with everything including the hiring of principals in high schools. We were wrong.
Earlier than that and long before I was born there was another patriarch of corruption who had a singular honour of leading our country to independence. As a nation we have stepped, hopped and jumped from one classic case of bankrupt leadership not once, not twice but a record four times. The end to this circus is here. Those who have known me from my younger days must indeed be very worried. They must be worried not about the fact that am going to bring about change but worried at the supersonic speed at which am going to move.
The army commanders had suspended the constitution which was a reasonable thing in the circumstances but I hereby order the resumption of constitutionality to the extent that it is consistent with the vision that am going to espouse for our country. By the way I have decreed that our country will from hence forth be known as the Independent Republic of the Peoples of Kenya. (IRPK) I want you to appreciate and join me in laying the foundations for a better country. I must from the very outset urge you to bear the pain we must all go through so to prepare a greater future for our nation.
But maybe before I get to the rubrics of governance let me tell you a bit about myself. Am a son born and bred by parents who had regard for virtue. That is want I bring into this government. You must by now know that this telecast is coming to you from statehouse Nairobi. I have ordered all media outlets including private ones to air this as a matter of national duty. I was intimated that Nation Media had issues broadcasting but am now reliably told by an army general I dispatched there that we are now on air simultaneously across all channels. I have also urged in the interest of ensuring wider outreach to populace that ISPs stream this message over the internet for all including the Diaspora to tune in. This truly is a magical moment for our nation and I am humbled to occupy the seat of president and be in charge of driving the changes Kenyans need to see. I now hope that all government functionaries are tuned in so that I begin delving into matters of governance.
CONSTITUTIONAL REVIEW
This matter had troubled our country right from the 1990’s. That’s 40 years ago. I now decree that Deans Faculties of law from our state universities and the aging Parvin Bowry will meet and deliver a constitution to me in three weeks. Note that the deans are already in the service of their country for which they earn a salary and therefore no additional pay will be given to them. Friends you may call me a dictator and so be it but I know a bit of group dynamics to know that good constitutions are written by fewer people sometimes less than six. For the human rights activists who would wish to stage demonstrations countrywide, they are very free to do so but on one condition. As your president and a believer in hard work, they will be no demonstration during working hours. Everyone must engage in meaningful employment and that includes the crusaders for people’s rights.

CORRUPTION
There shall be no more corruption in the republic of Kenya. You have heard that before, but you have not heard before is this I am directing KRA to asses the properties of Kenyatta, Moi, Kibaki and all former senior government officials. Rest easy we do not want to jail any one, all I want is all taxes , including VATs, Company taxes, Stamp duty, Importations taxes, taxes on interests earned, tax on rents, capital gains on assets disposed off and all manner of possible taxes. This will be due for payment upon assessment. In order to effectuate this I am directing the Institute of Public Accountants, the Central Bank, The Lands Ministry, commercial Banks , the Nairobi Stock Exchange to provide access and all logistical support needed to make this back tax collection a success. In fact ICPAK should consider this a national honour and avail to my office at least 2000 accountants. We are going to assign this to each and every Kenyan who owns more that KShs 100 million of wealth.
I also decree that all past scandals including Goldenberg, Anglo leasing, Maize, Oil, Trinton Oil Saga, Airports Saga, all other sagas will not be investigated through committees as was the practice in the past. No more reports are needed. I hereby decree that estimates of these mega frauds be established and those culpable should pay all the taxes due to on this ill gotten wealth. To effectuate this I have suspended all passports of persons alive and their immediate families who have been accused of, been charged, or acquitted of corruption related cases in Kenya’s history since independence.
I have also directed the closure of Kenya Anti Corruption Authority. All investigations are back to the police. Later on I will explain to you what I have decided to do with the police so that they execute their mandate as expected.
But there is a little matter that must be solved once and for all. All MPs and former Mps who refused to pay taxes did so but only for a while. I now decree that those taxes on all incomes earned by MPS since independence be taxed and the monies recovered from their current incomes, or their estates as the case maybe. I suspend all anticipatory suits likely to arise from this move and direct that no court anywhere in the Independent People’s Republic of Kenya shall entertain any suits intended to impede this or any other directive issued by the office of the president for the time am in office.
PARLIAMENT
Kenyans have been crying about the luckstre performance of their elected representatives, that cry has reached me and am going to put it to stop. First I want to encourage MPs who will not be able to keep pace with new government to step aside. Secondly, all parliamentary sessions are compulsory for all MPs when at the time of the session they are in the country. By the way trips by MPs outside our Independent Republic will require my specific endorsement. In order to lead by example, all MPs must be proud to serve their nation and even be prepared to do so at no pay. I have abolished the KShs 3,000 for each MP per session of parliament, I have also abolished the KShs 10,000 per sitting in committee allowances, I have abolished the payment of retreats of government officers including Mps, Ministers, Parastatal chiefs, and their employees in hotels of whatever nature. If government officials cannot transact business in government offices and would rather do so in hotels, then that cost of staying in hotels will be fully borne by themselves. I have abolished the car, house, mileage reimbursement and whatever other preferential treatment MPs have been accruing by virtue of their position. Leadership will be an honour not a passage to privilege or material wealth.

EDUCATION
I hereby decree free and compulsory education from nursery to university. Those invited to join secondary schools will have no choice but to join those schools for which they have been invited. I hereby ask Kenyan parents to decide whether they want to take their children to public schools or private schools. Once your child joins a private academy that will be your chosen path for your child. My government will ensure that your child does not get to the best public national secondary schools and neither will your child pursue prestigious courses at the publicly funded state universities. If you choose private and so will it be private all the way. Further I decree that all children born from tomorrow will be issued with a social security number. That number will help my government to know and plan for each Kenyan all through his or her life. That number will be admission number in all schools and colleges, it will the bank account number, if you buy land or indeed any other property you will hold it in that number. It shall be your driving license number, your pin number for taxes and actually without it you will not even be registered as a voter. I hereby direct the Vice Chancellor of the now renamed State University of Kenya (formerly University of Nairobi) to liaise with his other colleagues to give a numbering sequence that we will use to issue social security numbers. I want that number not be too long, but by looking at it should pigeon hole one to the location, district, province and if possible to the village where they were born. That sequence has to be carefully thought about so that we do not to change its arrangement at least for the next two centauries. Again I should emphasize those selected to do this will have the honour of having their names inscribed in the hearts of future generations of Kenyans, that is what we will pay. Our gratitude. No additional shilling will be paid.
Once a child is born in a given location he will have to go to pre-primary and primary school in that location. For secondary I am now asking the experts to develop a software to be embedded to existing database at KNEC to automatically select and remit letters and email alerts to students as to which schools they have been selected to. This wastage of public resources each year by heads of school coming together to participate in selection has stopped forthwith. Let me emphasize that once a student has been selected to join a given school, there will be no transfers. We want to account for all our children and we want to clearly see their path through education. If a parent chooses a private secondary school then he has in the same vein removed the student from being considered for a slot in the public universities. Further to strengthen school management I have through the executive order decreed that from now henceforth all vacancies in schools will be managed by administrators. These will be teachers who have undertaken specific courses in management and have passed appropriate examinations. They then will each be put on performance contracts with specific deliverables within certain time frames. Teaching is a noble profession and it should always be guarded as such. Some of the school heads who have in the past played games with state resources are in for a rude shock. Allow me to decree that stealing or misusing of public resources shall from this minute be non bail able, custodial sentence for a period not less that 15 years. Of course parliament is hearing wherever they are; I expect them to pass necessary legislation to buttress this and the many other measures I have announced.
By now, you must have made up your mind that I am a brute, that I have some vendetta and am on a revenge motion. Yes you couldn’t be more right. I am on revenge. Kenyans children have been held hostage by successive governments. Now six decades later, they have been robbed of their past, their present and unless I do what I have to do now, the middle life of their offspring’s stands in real jeopardy. I know I am asking a generation that is in despair, a generation that is frustrated, a generation that is bitter, a generation that is dispossessed to bear an even greater burden. I know I will not be popular, but people who do right never enjoy company of masses. In this lonely path, I take refuge that the pain I am forcing down on my people is necessary so that we secure the future of our children years, decades and centuries to come. I have in the same vein reduced retirement age across all government agencies to 50 years. All institutions, those good old professors who have been marking time, are more inclined to sitting at the fireside and telling old folk stories than straddling universities with old yellow pages have had their day. They proceed home immediately. But I am not inviting chaos managers of each institution must plan and execute these policies with an eye for the future of the institution. What am emphasizing is that it should be done quickly. Those delaying government programmes will be arrested and charged appropriately.

UNIVERSITY EDUCATION
Friends, about our citadels my message is simple. People who can’t publish must be allowed to perish. You cannot teach for decades on without contributing to the field of study. In fact I believe it is theft of public resources to be a lecturer and you are not producing peer reviewed articles and innovations. I hereby decree that all lecturers will publish at least 2 peer reviewed articles per year. Failure to which they loose their positions. This country still need farmers and I have a feeling some of these talent when released can do exploits in green houses.
University students are likely to be my greatest critics but they are the greatest of beneficiaries of the changes I am effecting. I look back to my days at the University and my burning ambition and a sizzling desire for instant, immediate and on spot changes. I used to say then and the country watched. Times have changed and now that I occupy the high office I will not stop the students from saying what they want to say. All am going to control is how they say it. Saying through burning of people’s property or even state property will not be tolerated an inch. They can carry twigs, cry their souls out, sing chant, even come to statehouse and do hunger strike like I would have done those days. The twin evil of condemnation and indulgence is never going to be possible even for the young leaders at the Universities. They will not condemn corruption and engage in it at their levels. I have firm belief that whenever their unions are involved in what may seem as corruption, they will be dealt without any regard them as young leaders. The yoke I have gladly accepted to carry will be carried by all. We shall condemn bad things and the people who do bad things.
On research at Universities and as regards publications universities are to become fulcrums where this nation’s future will be made. I am not calling for critics who hop from one TV station to another making criticism of everything that they did not author themselves. These noisemakers that will be allowed to persist but will be ignored. We need constructive engagement that is based on information. There are some who are wont on criticizing vision 2030 even without reading it. Outright lies peddled by a lecturer who should know better becomes a punishable crime as from the time I finish this speech.

TRANSPORT
Nairobi has to be a metropolis, not ten years are needed. Not elaborate plans and commissions and other taskforces. We are going to proceed as follows: Parking fees for private vehicles is raised to KShs 1,000 per day payable 7 days in advance. In other words if you must park in town next week, you pay this week. This will help us plan better and be sure that you will get the parking you have paid for. In this era of computers this is no brainer. Further by giving you a week’s lapse you will find neighbors that you can come with to town thereby reduce the vehicles on the roads. We have for a long time had successive governments that are blamed for inaction. I guess mine will suffer the blame of over action. I have been to a few cities around the world and this private vehicle thing simply doesn’t arise, we are no exception. Those parking cars the whole day in the CBD with yellow strips and they call themselves taxis are mistaken. Wherever I have been taxis keep shuttling around and are flagged down when needed. That is how we are going to operate them here. Of course there will be complains but we will not attach much value to those.
The fourteen seater matatu is hereby banned in Nairobi and in the next three months I have banned completely the importation of those vehicles. Those with matatus must now move them from Nairobi, Mombasa, Kisumu, and Nakuru. They can operate in rural areas for the time being. I could sense, is it Mr. Kimutai or who was that kafellow again, wanting to call a press conference to announce that the investors in the industry will be withdrawing their service in a strike. They need to look at the labour laws very carefully. People providing essential services cannot go on strike that easily, and even after following the legal fine print of giving notice and those details I can at any time call off such a strike. I have therefore called it off in advance. Further for the bus operators who may dare, the city council will confisticate those buses and establish a metro bus service. In fact those having buses need to quickly organize themselves into one limited company in which my government through the city council will be buying a controlling stake soon.
I want money from the consolidated fund so that I can build the first true highway in Kenya. The current Nairobi- Mombasa tarmac road will remain as it is. Another four lane dual highway is to be built commencing next month with the following instructions. The highway must be a straight line and shortest connection from Nairobi to Mombasa port. There will be no left turns on this highway, it will be meant for those who are moving express from Mombasa to Nairobi and the minimum speed will be 200 km per hour. It will be an offence punishable instantaneously to be found on this highway with a car that for whatever reason can not match this speed.
I have also invoked the re-introduction of Michuki rules with the following modifications. In order to keep the country moving I have raised the minimum speed to 100Km per hour. Further drivers will be given a one day paid leave rest per week. To check those who may seek part time jobs rather than rest their driving licenses will be at all times in the vehicles for which they are the permanent drivers.

I have also changed the process of buying cars. From today henceforth Kenyans will have to learn that I am not a fabulous person and I belief no one has the right to flaunt wealth in poor a nation like ours. Doing so reinforces a wrong value system in our children. To buy a car one will need first to have a valid driving license upon which a permit to buy a car will be granted. We will limit each Kenyan to once car at a time. If you are a business person and you need more than one car, you car purchase permit will only be issued after evidence from KRA that you have been submitting the required taxes from your business. Further in order to check those who may wish to circumvent this requirement I now direct that all driving licenses be paired with the car owners and a real time online data base available to police.
You will not be able to drive on our roads a car that is not yours. If you borrow a car, the owner will have to surrender to you their driving license so that when you are flagged down by police we are able to know that you have authority to possess that car at that time. Further in order to deal effectively with theft of cars I hereby ban importation of used spare parts, require all motor garages to register with the government and require of them to book in cars like they do in hospitals. The new generation driving license that is an electronic chip will be swiped at the garage so that the entire details of the car owner are established. Garages that do not follow these and other directives that my minister will issue will be closed down and owners charged with aiding theft.
Further, I need to be advised if there is CCTV that can be embedded on our street lights that are able to scan number plates of cars. If not I will be asking our higher and technical institutions to make to me a proposal on how we can be able to search for a car in our country on a computer and see it real time. Not just be able to see it but able to track its movement. Car theft must end and we will do everything possible to stop it. Car sellers should have signed up for ETR, those who had not know very well they are disobeying our rules and should comply by the end of this week.
AGRICULTURE
Agriculture is not profitable if it is done for subsistence on small shambas held by thousands of our farmers. We need to move to consolidating the smaller pieces, provincial administration together with the elaborate state structure responsible for agriculture are going to work round the clock to effect this consolidation. Discussions at the local level are encouraged especially those to do with speeding up the programme. Otherwise those who refuse to engage in viable and sustainable agriculture as advised by my government officials will be deemed to have disobeyed the state and they will be rewarded by being locked out of extension services and all other subsidies that the government will be providing. On the large scale farmers beginning this financial year each and every one of them must register with KRA for purposes of paying tax on their produce. They also must engage in technology transfer to the farmers neighbouring them. There are other bottlenecks in this area that I will be addressing myself to soon after I form the government.

Allow me to digress a bit, I have assumed that you have no option so I will digress. You must again at this stage be wondering what became of our beautiful country that we should surrender to a leader like me. Let me tell you that you very right. In fact those who are thinking so, are bright whose only misfortune is they have lived so long in an environment of disorder that our efforts will be seen to be disrupting their chaotic lifestyles. I am rooted in the faith that visions are not present in many people and even if they were you cannot implement several visions at the same time; this is why I will spend as much time as possible persuading you to share in the vision I have for this nation. I will however not allow your vision to interfere with mine. If you persist I will subject you to the ultimate test to understand how rooted you are in your vision. If you survive and still adamant then, maybe, then I could consider making revisions to mine. This is not being a dictator, its being in plain English closer to the truth than many of you dare. The singularity of my vision will thus guide all operations in all ministries up to the village. Lets then get back on course.
TOURISM
Those owning private cottages and having been cashing in on our tourists should close their illegal outfits by this evening. It matters less that they have some pretentions of licenses. All hotels in the tourist circuit will also have to employ based on merit. This notion that one must employ from where they are located is balderdash that I will not stomach. Let the best people be given jobs so that productivity can go up so that we can all benefit. There had been some roumours about sex tourism. This I will be coming later to in my monthly addresses to the nation. Each of this session will be televised simultaneously by all channels as has been started with this one.
Further we are not going to tolerate cheap-sandle-wearing tourists. My government is going to put in place mechanisms to ensure that. Oh am sorry that is how previous governments were sounding, that my government will put in place measures. In my case the measures are instantaneous. Any tourist intending to visit our country will be charged USD 200 per night in the cheapest hotels anywhere in the country. I will be collecting the appropriate tax on this amount per person. My definition of a tourist is anyone in this country other than a Kenyan. They should stay in hotels and pay us for the hospitality. If you house then disclose and surrender the appropriate taxes to the state. Further it will interest you to find out what is described as a hotel in our laws. All those using this term must ensure that they fully comply.
ICT
ICT is no longer the way of the future. It is here now. I have directed that despite pretentions by Joseph, this guy who says we are a peculiar lot that internet charges are dropped by 80% at all stages from ISPS to clients. No more fuss, the going live of TEAMs and the other fibre optic cable was to do exactly that and so let it happen. Further I direct the minster I am yet to appoint in the education portfolio to acquire and take computers to each school that has power. We may have to start with one or two or even three but every primary school must have computers in the next four months. There will be a little issue of electricity that I am dealing with it when I come to addressing the energy challenges that we face.
TEA AND COFFEE
I could be senile but there are things I have never understood even from my young days. Why are we unable to take maximum benefit of our tea and coffee? Let me tell you two stories. Long ago when God was creating the world, he foresaw a world order in which we live in today. He foresaw that capitalism leads to unbridled accumulation giving one monopoly powers that can then be used to rob off the poor. Yes our world is characterized by extreme poverty and aggrandizement. There are a few billionaires who are richer than 60 countries combined. I refuse to believe that they are the brightest; I refuse to believe that these tycoons are closer or better children of our God. I shudder the thought they have worked hard and therefore they deserve what they own. I am adamant that they are not smarter than all of us, they are, simply put expert conmen and conwomen who have perfected an art in a game whose rules are designed by themselves. Unfortunately these conpeople have some followers in our country. Ours will be a long and winding road but we are determined to ensure that everyone lives an honest life. No riches that cannot be accounted for. Let us get back to coffee, so God in his wisdom offered a natural patent inbuilt in the aroma of our Kenyan coffee. I am no braggart but I hear the best coffee tasters of this world will tell you Kenyan coffee anywhere in the world. So the story goes for our Kenyan tea. It tastes different. Am told that one of the reasons Pakistan is the largest buyer of our tea is because they use it to blend with their substandard one then sale it to the world as Pakistani Tea.
Am I alone in seeing this contradiction or you share it with me?
That the world has accepted a brand of tea that is inferior to what we produce and we are not the ones purchasing Pakistan tea (which is weaker) to blend with our strong one. Let me take you further in your disgust with the way things are, not long ago Pakistan threatened not to buy our tea if we refused to buy their rice. Does that make you mad enough? Not yet then this will make you smirk with anger.
Coffee in the supermarket retails at KShs 200 per 100grams, meaning that a Kilo will be about two thousands. Surely even if I am a layman in production and industry economics why are our farmers not being paid at least 400 per kilo? I have decided to correct this madness as follows. I have closed the Tea and Coffee auctions in Nairobi and Mombasa as of this minute. I direct our border point authorities with my authority to ensure that neither coffee nor tea leaves this country. I ask the Kenya Association of Manufacturers to join me early tomorrow so that by noon tomorrow we will have worked out details of a company to manufacture and sale our tea and coffee packaged as Kenyan. To stimulate demand to assist the new enterprise in this field I have banned importation and use of any other type of tea or coffee for home or hotel use. Kenyan homes and establishments will use Kenyan tea and coffee as a beginning point. In time star bucks and those other multinationals with no soul will have to negotiate with us for our tea and coffee. We will deliver it be it in London or Rio and charge appropriately for a worldwide acclaimed brand and the associated costs. Again this action may seem drastic and some farmers will loose a large part of their produce but as I said earlier there is a pain that all will have to face and accept it with the joy that it heralds a better future for our children’s children.
CITIZENSHIP
Be they Chinese or Somali or Honduras, if you are hearing this message and you are in Kenya illegally kindly find the nearest border and leave. We have a duty for refugees who are here formally, am not aware of political asylum seekers in fact as a country we export political asylum seekers. If you do not hold a valid ID, a passport, an alien ID, an expatriates work permit, and you were not born of Kenyan parents please leave us alone. Kindly do not overstay your welcome. I am proceeding to instruct the military to deal ruthlessly with anyone who in here on a self invitation. We love our neighbours and we will continue playing our role and commitments to the international community but we will not allow anyone to stray into our country un-invited. Let me now address an issue that is even more delicate, there are those of you who are hearing this message and you know that the documents that purport to confer you citizenship are forged, or you bribed your way. Please note that it is not just here in Kenya, as everywhere else in the world an illegality cannot legitimize another illegality. Please book the next flight out.

HEALTH CARE FOR ALL
It is free, it is free for all. It is mandatory for every working Kenyan in public or private or wherever the source of their incomes to pay for NHIF. Compliance will be 100% with no exception. It is illegal as from this moment for any hospital be it private to turn away emergency cases. Whoever does so has fewer than the number of his or her toes to run a hospital in this nation.

SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER
I have already said and am expecting the state university to provide to me a new database sequence for all our children. In the mean time, I want to expand that mandate to include software to correct the confusion we are in today. I need a soft ware that will link all the numbers my citizens have. We need to link your ID No. to your Bank Account No, Passport No, LR. No, Employment No, NHIF No. Driving License No, Voters No, HELB No, Employment No, CDS Account No, Admission No’s in the schools and colleges you went to, KNEC Index No, Phone No, and most importantly the PIN No. So that in this new software once I punch in one of the numbers it gives me all the other numbers. The police will use these details responsibly to run out of our country thieves. Further the Registrar of persons must from this minute be issuing one number for all new applicants who will use it wherever they go. Maybe am ahead of time but I think we can have one chip card that can have all these details and that you will use for all your transactions. I ask the Director NSIS to prepare a brief for me on the security challenges of this new method. In the interest of time that report to be availed to me next month.
Let me emphasize here that for all reports I will be asking for, Me, Your president will not be reading long reports with a litany of suggestions and a catalogue of reasons why every suggestion can not work. Reports will be brief telling me only what can work and how soon it can be implemented. Academic discussion of pros and cons of everything will be domiciled in universities and in not the running of the affairs of our new government.
CORPORATE FRAUD
Of late big corporations have taken to duping my country men and women. You must have heard or participated in Lipua, Shinda, Bambua, Nyakua, Ponyoka na millioni. The truth is they should have said Nyang’anyana mamilioni. Let me illustrate my point. Safaricom asked my citizens to send SMS so that they can Lipua at the end of the promotion period of one month. Safcom has about 7 million subscribers and let us assume that only a million respond per day or that on average they a person sent four SMS per month. This translates to seven by four by one million which is 28 million. The awarded a car worth 6 Million and they will not disclose in their incomes 22 millions as corporate fraud. This has stopped. I direct Betting and Controls to ensure that all the money collected over and above the prize value is collected by my government. Actually let me review this, the prize money must be an expense on the company. Nobody is going to profit from the poverty of my people by creating cleverly packaged racketeering schemes.

BANKS
Commercial Banks are not going to be baby sat anymore. From this minute the spread between the loan rate and interest on savings will be at maximum 6%. Such that if loans are being issued at 20% interest rate, savings accounts will receive 14% annual interest. I see some economist somewhere wanting to interject, save your horses and perhaps your life. We don’t want interruptions of suggestions that it can’t work when it has not even been started. This policy is effected forthwith and the CBK governor is appropriately advised.
To take this nation forward we must have a culture of saving. I want to leave my citizens freely to decide how much they should save now that I have restructured the banks. We will review the national savings a year later and if it is found to be too low, I will intervene directly.
Let me now take you to another interesting area. There is a financial giant called Equity and it has won many accolades rightly so. I respect their MD; Mwangi is undoubtedly a sharp mind. You see he has just one degree and that makes me happy. I want to use them merely as example. In 2009, Equity had about 5 million customers. Now let’s assume that only 2 million of those are in gainful employment. Move with me in assuming that these two million people withdraw at least once a month on the ATM machines. Now you know that it costed KShs 30 to make that transaction. This translates to KShs 60 million per month, and 720 millions a year. You may guess where am going to. There are other charges such as ledger fees, interest on loans, loan processing fees, the bank also invests in Treasury bills and other avenues. This simplistic approach tells me that Kenyans are being overburdened by Banks that end up declaring too little profits. The CBK governor will in the coming 10 days announce new maximum charges to be levied by each bank in our nation. Those who will dare us in terms of bringing challenges to its implementation will be urged to take an option of selling their bank to our government. My government will hold these assets in trust for the people of Kenya.
Yes, I know it. You do not have to remind me that we are a freely capitalistic society. We are but I will intervene each time my people are at risk. I consider this a duty of any legitimate government that I will humbly be taking as necessary.

NAIROBI STOCK EXCHANGE
There are cartoons at the NSE who have been opposing demutualization of the market. Those antics belong to the bygone era. The market will be demutualized in the next four months. Any form theft of investor’s money will be a crime against the nation. Past presidents have been lenient to sign execution orders for criminals but in this one I will not deter.

Ladies and gentlemen, you can see we have greater work ahead of us. To achieve I shall be your president and as well as you prefect. I know it will be years of pain, but I want to accept this pain so that the true promise of heaven can dawn on our children.
Like Jesus I am urging you to pick your yoke, but unlike Jesus the way I have intentions of putting the yoke on you if you want to chicken out. To demonstrate this let me address this street children problem. I as from today decree that there will be no street children in the renamed Nairobi Metropolis or anywhere in this beautiful country. Street children is a misnomer, my friends streets do not give birth to children, people do. Whenever you sire, take in that child and bring him or her up with the promise of a parent. If you don’t we will pick them up, we will educate, clothe and feed them, but alas we are coming to you with an invoice. We shall search for you and when we catch up with you as the parent be prepared to compensate my government the costs of raising a child for you and the trouble of searching for you. I know some of these children, the irresponsible men sire with prostitutes in lodges. I direct all lodge owners to keep a clear authentic record of all people who use their facilities. In fact am toying with the idea of having a national data base of lodge users. It may help us to understand some criminal minds as they hop from town to town. In short I am prepared to take all measures to make it possible for a desperate mother to run after and catch a run-away-father.

Am I still popular? By now you know I care the least about popularity. Let me now lead you through how I am reforming other government agencies to serve my people better.
POLICE
I am reforming the police as follows. I am retaining the command and our honourable men in uniform as they are. I have tremendous respect for them having worked in very difficult circumstances constrained of resources and starved off cooperation by the people they should protect.
I ask for new cars to be bought. To start with 500 police cars will do. Let me explain some thing else first. I direct the ICT fellows in KRA, Motor Vehicle Registry, Nairobi Stock Exchange, Higher Education Loans Board, Passport Control Office, Utility Companies ( KPLC and Water Companies) National Association Of Landlords, KNEC, Registrar of Persons, Police Department, Posta Kenya, Safaricom, Celtel, to avail through a national on line database of all the records under their keep. These should be accessible to the police from each of the new 500 vehicles. Each of these will be fitted with a state of the art computer so that the police can access and confirm any information they may need instantaneously.

My fellow citizens, I have removed the need to handcuff you. Once you are found on the wrong you will be asked to report to next police station on your own. Many of the offences will be payable at the station and you will get an ETR receipt. Access to electronic databases by police will be for information only. They will have no rights to amend except on their own database. Offences will be booked on line from the scene. To restrict possible misuse, access to data base will use the latest limitations. I propose this new method where by instead of passwords the computer scans your eyes and it allows access. Police will have in their possession vital information and should they misuse it they will be dealt with severely. To make compliance mandatory I hereby direct as follows: Employers are banned from employing people with a criminal record unless cleared by the Police Department. Further since we know where each of our citizen works we will be sending invoices for payable offences to employers. If in two months the culprit has not paid to our government then the employer will deduct from their pay and send the money to the government. Of course I do not need to emphasize that those employers who will not cooperate may just as well close their enterprises.
JUDICIARY
The judiciary and their independence should be left so, but those who know we are going to catch up with them should book an appointment with the commissioner of police so that they begin to negotiate amnesty. The bar of moral probity must to too high for these members of the bar and bench. Since they oversee on our affairs, we will make the fall to disgrace real and steep.

RIGHT TO LEAVE
You feel like leaving Kenya? Yes that is the right that my government will jealously protect. If you feel you can not live in the new order then you are free to leave. Freedom for a few to accumulate and disposes is worse than a large prison in which everything is shared as it should be. You are free to fly to Somalia or anywhere you feel you will be free to play your antics. But clear with us first. Pay your bills, taxes and leave the rest to us. We will not welcome you back in the future. The pain we bear today allows us to exclude you at the dinning table of tomorrow.

CONCLUSION
By now you may be happy and sad. Happy that I have enumerated the problems as you know them. Sad because I have taken to solutions that you do not necessarily agree with. You may even be sadder because you have become fearful of the coming days. You are wondering now that I appear unrestrained what else might I end up doing. You may be in fear that I am running the state as if my presidency will last only a week. In fact many could be wrapped in fear that I may overstay in power. Yet many others are afraid that I have not committed my self to returning the state to a democratic rule via elections. Friends, my diary has only space for tomorrow, things that we will do next year should not worry you today. They do not worry me. Do not import future worry to the present circumstances. Worry not that I am your president, worry that there are others who may want to remove me because of another worry. To them the Kenya I envision is not the one they want, in fact they will spend anything to take us back to the Kenya you were condemned to. Join me when I deal with them in not so good a manner. I will not allow vision less characters to hijack our movement.
To insulate our new state I will appoint Ministers from among people I have no history with. To my friends am sorry you will not be in my cabinet. I think I can live with the reality that I excluded you rather watch as you go to prison having disobeyed government policy. I am not saying all my friends are bad people, of course many of them are good people but they are the only ones with audacity to attempt differing with me. That’s what I am avoiding them. To travel fast we singular agreement on whom the driver is.

And if my presidency does not last long I shall at least have told what needs to be done, I may be gone but it becomes your duty to identify and push to power people who can carry these aspirations. People who are impatient with laziness, who define corruption as it is, whose circle of friends epitomize real love and friendship for all children of our nation. Am saying so because am too sure the military may just have changed their minds; maybe they did not expect a leader like me. It would make me so happy if they choose to dethrone me than you as Kenyans will be there to stand with your leader. In other words am hopping that I was destined to lead this country on this path and that the coup was just a shortcut. They simply brought the future forward. Personally I do not support coups except where such coups are a reflection of national anger that has brewed for decades like in our case.
If you do not stand there to protect my presidency then like Moses, I have shown you the Promised Land. Walk. Run. Swim. Fly to the Promised Land. Remember to carry my bones like the Israelites did to Moses only that I do not want a tombstone that claims things that I never was. You should honour me by carrying in your hearts disgust that this piece is just a story.
It is 2009, not 2017